Birthday

Almost 5 am, boxing day....looking out the window...CN tower still have Christmas light....Everyone is asleep...the emptiness inside my heart is as strong as ever. Have so much I want to tell, but no one is left to listen...

My dad called to say "Happy birthday!" to me...and then I realize my birthday is no longer the same. First birthday after my parents are separated. Hard to imagine how 28 years ago, they happily gave birth to me...together... from now on, my birthday has a different meaning...

It's hard because I realize I didn't celebrate my birthday with them much in the past, now, I no longer have a chance to share. It's hard because for my mom, me, and my dad, this day we will have memories that we no longer want to share. And from now on, we will not be spending this day together. And it doesn't help that today is also Christmas. It's hard because everyone is having fun in the party, and you have to hide your sadness and pretend everything is ok.

1 1/2 years now....I still don't think I have recovered and I don't know when I will recover.

I am no longer the same person 1 1/2 years ago. no longer sensible, always doubting...

I really don't know what to say/share anymore. really feel like hiding from people these days...